I was pointed to this brilliant article on The Onion News. This appealed to my inner geek. Enjoy.
Click here to read the proper article.
TUCSON, AZ—Though initial calculations showed it to be on a direct collision course with Earth, a pansy-ass asteroid approximately the size of Rhode Island has instead altered its trajectory to avoid the planet by more than 40,000 miles, astronomers at the University of Arizona reported Monday.
This wuss missed the Earth by a long shot.
“Guess it just didn’t have the spuds to go through with it,” Richard A. Kowalski of the school’s Catalina Sky Survey said. “Real big surprise. Maybe you can try again when you accrete a little more mass than 6.32 x 1015 kilograms, okay? Chicken-shit.”
Kowalski said that one month ago Asteroid 2009-XG2—nicknamed “Old Limp Dick”—was following a path that, even accounting for heat friction and gravitational pull from other celestial bodies, gave it a 97 percent chance of striking Earth. Further observation and calculations, however, indicated that the asteroid would instead tuck its balls between its legs and change its course by more than 22 degrees.
“This potential extinction-level event turned out to be a puss-out of cosmic proportions,” Kowalski said. “Earth didn’t even flinch. You know what, why don’t you give it another go, little guy? Huh? You can even take a free shot at the moon to warm up.”
Scientists in this observatory used a high-powered telescope to track the asteroid’s path right to the point of its monumental puss-out.
After a brief pause Kowalski added, “That’s what I thought.”
Many astronomers who have spent their careers monitoring asteroids have echoed Kowalski’s conclusions. David L. Rabinowitz of the NASA-funded Near-Earth Asteroid Tracking program claimed that, despite the overwhelming data to the contrary, no one in the astronomy community had any doubt that the asteroid was talking out of its ass. Read More
Read more... (593 words, estimated 2:22 mins reading time)